Conrad Aiken: Nocturne in a Minor Key

I

I will say: I walked alone in whistling darkness.

Or heard a rush of rain through windless air.

Or stood in dust with yellow leaves around me.

Or dreamed I saw a sea-maid comb her hair.

But why recite these things? You will not hear me,

Or if you heard me, would not care.

I will say: I saw a sea-gull crossing water,

Or suddenly in the midnight heard a cry.

Or woke from sleep to hear the green leaves rustle.

Or saw bright windows in a misty sky.

I will say, I walked alone, and heard none call me;

You will not care, nor ask me why …

These are the notes whereof my life makes music.

These are the hurrying notes of pain

That whirl like windy papers under streetlamps,

Blown through the spacious darkness of my brain.

I will say: these things are trifles, yet they kill me.

Shall we rehearse our play again?

Be patient, press your palm against my heartbeats,

Reverse my heart like an hour-glass,

And watch the downward sifting of my minutes

Until the time when I must pass …

You shall have heard, at least, a poignant music

And seen futility; You will know better than to weep for me.

II

I am the one–since I must now confess it–

Who came too late, and found all windows dark.

I am the one who sat on dew-wet benches

And watched the fountain in the deserted park.

I am the one who walked in a grass-grown street

Hearing no sound save my own feet.

I saw the darkness rising like a well.

I heard old stars chime out and crack and fall.

I turned to the east and saw it red and grey,

Saw lovely faces blown like leaves away.

I heard slow waves of music lapse to silence,

And wished to speak, yet had no word to say.

I am the one whom ancient spring returning

With sound of leaves could not assuage.

I am the one who found your pity heartless,

Yet could not rail at you, nor rage.

You loved me once, you love me now no longer …

Must I take kindness for my daily wage?

III

I will say: I walk involved in webs of darkness,

Across my face feel filaments of shadows,

Yet hear you laugh, and seek for you.

You have withdrawn your golden-chorded beauty.

Shall I not somewhere find the love I knew?

I will say: I walk at night in crowded places

And search for a perfumed secret in white faces,

And dream by night of faces seen by day.

Or climb dark stairs and in a dark room’s fragrance

Play such a music as pleas of rain might play.

The silver talons tear my heart to beauty,

The silver talons flash and tear …

Petals fall to the grass, and in that darkness

I see you passing there, Smiling at me as if for one behind me,

Smiling at death, perhaps, who waits behind me,

Lifting a conscious hand to loose your hair.

Will you not stay, or, if you go, return?

My heart grows tired, the music ends.

I will walk alone, implore my veins to silence,

Or talk of casual things with casual friends.

Or sit on a dew-wet bench in the park, recalling Laughter,

and speech, and silence, and think my musings

Are like that quiet fountain, quietly falling:

Flung from a starless darkness, flung in vain

To fall in a mournful whiteness back again.

IV

The green-leaved bough leans down above my head,

The pale green leaves, with the lamplight on them shed,

Twinkle on delicate stems, whisper a little,

Tremble on breathless air.

The green-leaved bough leans down towards its image

Of twinkling leaves in the water there …

And I am a prey to trifles of no moment,

Caught in a snare of circumstance,

I laugh for a foolish laughter, weep for sorrow,

For every whim of the music bow and dance:

Twinkle with the leaves, and flow and fall with water,

Lean with the leaning bough in arrested pain;

Die and am born again.

These are the thousand things by which I seek you,

The atoms of dust that fall and break my brain.

V

Say then: I see too much, and you too little.

You lean and laugh above the applauding music,

While I, apart, hear silence between the tones.

For you, there is no falling, save of petals;

For me, apart, the silences fall like stones.

How could we dance, then, to the self-same music,

Who see so much, so little?

I do you wrong If I reproach you, call you too contented,

Too quick to thrill to a sentimental song.

Walk, then, among your tulips, turn your eyes,

Caress with a careful hand your jewelled hair,

Discern the flashing of wings in empty skies,

Pause for effect upon your marble stair …

And I will not reproach you, blaming only

The sinister glittering chaos of our time,

Through which, forever, lonely walks with lonely,–

The lover, ridiculous; the loved, sublime.

I I will say: I walked alone in whistling darkness. Or heard a rush of rain through windless air. Or stood in dust with yellow leaves around me. Or dreamed I saw a sea-maid comb her hair. But why recite these things? You will not hear me, Or if you heard me, would not care. I will say: I saw a sea-gull crossing water, Or suddenly in the midnight heard a cry. Or woke from sleep to hear the green leaves rustle. Or saw bright windows in a misty sky. I will say, I walked alone, and heard none call me; You will not care, nor ask me why … These are the notes whereof my life makes music. These are the hurrying notes of pain That whirl like windy papers under streetlamps, Blown through the spacious darkness of my brain. I will say: these things are trifles, yet they kill me. Shall we rehearse our play again? Be patient, press your palm against my heartbeats, Reverse my heart like an hour-glass, And watch the downward sifting of my minutes Until the time when I must pass … You shall have heard, at least, a poignant music And seen futility; You will know better than to weep for me. II I am the one–since I must now confess it– Who came too late, and found all windows dark. I am the one who sat on dew-wet benches And watched the fountain in the deserted park. I am the one who walked in a grass-grown street Hearing no sound save my own feet. I saw the darkness rising like a well. I heard old stars chime out and crack and fall. I turned to the east and saw it red and grey, Saw lovely faces blown like leaves away. I heard slow waves of music lapse to silence, And wished to speak, yet had no word to say. I am the one whom ancient spring returning With sound of leaves could not assuage. I am the one who found your pity heartless, Yet could not rail at you, nor rage. You loved me once, you love me now no longer … Must I take kindness for my daily wage? III I will say: I walk involved in webs of darkness, Across my face feel filaments of shadows, Yet hear you laugh, and seek for you. You have withdrawn your golden-chorded beauty. Shall I not somewhere find the love I knew? I will say: I walk at night in crowded places And search for a perfumed secret in white faces, And dream by night of faces seen by day. Or climb dark stairs and in a dark room’s fragrance Play such a music as pleas of rain might play. The silver talons tear my heart to beauty, The silver talons flash and tear … Petals fall to the grass, and in that darkness I see you passing there, Smiling at me as if for one behind me, Smiling at death, perhaps, who waits behind me, Lifting a conscious hand to loose your hair. Will you not stay, or, if you go, return? My heart grows tired, the music ends. I will walk alone, implore my veins to silence, Or talk of casual things with casual friends. Or sit on a dew-wet bench in the park, recalling Laughter, and speech, and silence, and think my musings Are like that quiet fountain, quietly falling: Flung from a starless darkness, flung in vain To fall in a mournful whiteness back again. IV The green-leaved bough leans down above my head, The pale green leaves, with the lamplight on them shed, Twinkle on delicate stems, whisper a little, Tremble on breathless air. The green-leaved bough leans down towards its image Of twinkling leaves in the water there … And I am a prey to trifles of no moment, Caught in a snare of circumstance, I laugh for a foolish laughter, weep for sorrow, For every whim of the music bow and dance: Twinkle with the leaves, and flow and fall with water, Lean with the leaning bough in arrested pain; Die and am born again. These are the thousand things by which I seek you, The atoms of dust that fall and break my brain. V Say then: I see too much, and you too little. You lean and laugh above the applauding music, While I, apart, hear silence between the tones. For you, there is no falling, save of petals; For me, apart, the silences fall like stones. How could we dance, then, to the self-same music, Who see so much, so little? I do you wrong If I reproach you, call you too contented, Too quick to thrill to a sentimental song. Walk, then, among your tulips, turn your eyes, Caress with a careful hand your jewelled hair, Discern the flashing of wings in empty skies, Pause for effect upon your marble stair … And I will not reproach you, blaming only The sinister glittering chaos of our time, Through which, forever, lonely walks with lonely,– The lover, ridiculous; the loved, sublime.
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