II
On the walk homeward, which was timeless, it pleased him to see through the accompaniment, or counterpoint, of the snow, the items of mere externality on his way. There were many kinds of bricks in the sidewalks, and laid in many kinds of pattern. The garden walls were to various, some of wooden palings, some of plaster, some of stone. Twigs of bushes leaned over the walls; the little hard green winter-buds of lilac, on gray stems, sheathed and fat; other branches very thin and fine and black and desiccated. Dirty sparrows huddled in bushes, as dull in color as dead fruit left in the leafless trees. A single starling creaked on a weather vane. In the gutter, beside a drain, was a scrap of torn and dirty newspaper, caught in a little delta of filth: the word HEARTBURN appeared in large capitals, and below it was a letter from Mrs. Angela M. Barnet, 2001 Cyprus Hill, Beckenham, London, to the effect that after being a sufferer for years she had been cured by Carter’s pills. In the little delta, beside the fan-shaped and deeply runneled continent of brown mud, were lost twigs, descended from their parent trees, dead matches, a rusty horse-chestnut burr, a small concentration of sparkling gravel on the lip of the sewer, a fragment of eggshell, a streak of yellow sawdust which had been wet and was now dry and congealed, a brown pebble, and a broken feather. Further on was a cement sidewalk, ruled into geometrical parallelograms, with a brass inlay at one end commemorating the contractors who had laid it, and, halfway across, an irregular and random series of dog tracks, immortalized in synthetic stone. He knew these well, and always stepped on them; to cover the little hollows with his own foot had always been a queer pleasure; today he did it once more, but perfunctorily and detached, all the while thinking of something else. That was a dog, a long time ago, who had made a mistake and walked on the cement while it was still wet. He had probably wagged his tail, but that hadn’t been recorded. Now, David Jones, aged twelve, on his way home from school, crossed the same river, which in the meantime had frozen solid. Homeward through the snow, the snow falling in bright sunshine. Homeward?
Then came the gateway with the two posts surmounted by egg-shaped stones which had been cunningly balanced on their ends, and mortared in the very act of balance: a source of perpetual wonder. On the brick wall just beyond, the letter H. had been stenciled, presumably for some purpose. H? H.
The red hydrant, with a little green-painted chain attached to the brass screw-cap.
The willow tree, with the great gray wound in the bark, kidney-shaped, into which he always put his hand-to feel the cold but living wood. The injury, he had been sure, was due to the gnaw-ings of a tethered horse. But now it deserved only a passing palm, a merely tolerant eye. There were more important things. Miracles. Beyond the thoughts of trees, mere willows. Beyond the thoughts of sidewalks, mere stone, mere brick, mere cement. Beyond the thoughts even of his own shoes, which trod these sidewalks obediently, bearing a burden-far above-of elaborate mystery. He watched them. They were not polished; he had neglected them, for a very good reason: they were one of the many parts of the increasing difficulty of the daily return to daily life, the morning struggle. To get up, having at last opened one’s eyes, to go to the window, and discover no snow, to wash, to dress, to descend the curving stairs to breakfast -
At whatever pain to others, nevertheless, one must persevere in severance, since the incommunicability of the experience demanded it. It was desireable of course to be kind to Mother and Father, especially as they seemed to be worried, but it was also desirable to be resolute. If they should decide – as appeared likely – to consult the doctor, Doctor Roberts, and have David inspected, his heart listened to through a kind of dictaphone, his lungs, his stomach – well, that was all right. He would go through with it. He would give them answer for question, too – perhaps such answers as they hadn’t expected? No. That would never do. For the secret world must, at all costs, be preserved.
The bird-house in the apple-tree was empty – it was the wrong time of year for wrens. The little round black door had lost its pleasure. The wrens were enjoying other houses, other nests, remoter trees. But this too was a notion which he only vaguely and grazingly entertained – as if, for the moment, he merely touched an edge of it; there was something further on, which was already assuming a sharper importance; something which already teased at the corners of his eyes, teasing also at the corner of his mind. It was funny to think that he so wanted this, so awaited it – and yet found himself enjoying this momentary dalliance with the bird-house, as if for a quite deliberate postponement and enhancement of the approaching pleasure. He was aware of his delay, of his smiling and detached and now almost uncomprehending gaze at the little bird-house; he knew what he was going to look at next: it was his own little cobbled hill-street, his own house, the little river at the bottom of the hill, the grocer’s shop with the cardboard man in the window – and now, thinking of all this, he turned his head, still smiling, and looking quickly right and left through the snow-laden sunlight.
And the mist of snow, as he had foreseen, was still on it – a ghost of snow falling in the bright sunlight, softly and steadily floating and turning and pausing, soundlessly meeting the snow that covered, as with a transparent mirage, the bare bright cobbles. He loved it – he stood still and loved it. Its beauty was paralyzing – beyond all words, all experience, all dream. No fairy-story he had ever read could be compared with it – none had ever given him this extraordinary combination of ethereal loveliness with something else, unnameable, which was just faintly and deliciously terrifying. What was this thing? As he thought of it, he looked upward toward his own bedroom window, which was open – and it was as if he looked straight into the room and saw himself lying half awake in his bed. There he was – at this very instant he was still perhaps actually – more truly there than standing here at the edge of the cobbled hill-street, with one hand lifted to shade his eyes against the snow-sun. Had he indeed ever left his room, in all this time? since that very first morning? Was the whole progress still being enacted there, was it still the same morning, and himself not yet wholly awake? And even now, had the postman not yet come round the corner?…
This idea amused him, and automatically as he though of it, he turned his head and looked toward the top of the hill. There was, of course, nothing there – nothing and no one. The street was empty and quiet. And all the more because of its emptiness it occurred to him to count the houses – a thing which, oddly enough, he hadn’t before thought of doing. Of course, he had known there weren’t many-many, that is, on his own side of the street, which were the ones that figured in the postman’s progress – but nevertheless it came to him as something of a shock to find that there were precisely six, above his own house – his own house was the seventh.
Six!
Astonished, he looked at his own house – looked at the door, on which was the number 13 – and then realized that the whole thing was exactly and logically and absurdly what he ought to have known. Just the same, the realization gave him abruptly, and even a little frighteningly, a sense of hurry. He was being hurried – he was being rushed. For – he knit his brows – he couldn’t be mistaken – it was just above the seventh house, his own house, that the postman had first been audible this very morning. But in that case – in that case – did it mean that tomorrow he would hear nothing? The knock he had heard must have been the knock of their own door. Did it mean – and this was an idea which gave him a really extraordinary feeling of surprise – that he would never hear the postman again?- that tomorrow morning the postman would already have passed the house, in a snow by then so deep as to render his footsteps completely inaudible? That he would have made his approach down the snow-filled street so soundlessly, so secretly, that he, David Jones, there lying in bed, would not have awakened in time, or, waking, would have heard nothing?
But how could that be? Unless even the knocker should be muffled in the snow-frozen tight, perhaps?…But in that case -
A vague feeling of disappointment came over him; a vague sadness, as if he felt himself deprived of something which he had long looked forward to, something much prized. After all this, all this beautiful progress, the slow delicious advance of the postman through the silent and secret snow, the knock creeping closer each day, and the footsteps nearer, the audible compass of the world thus daily narrowed, narrowed, narrowed, as the snow soothingly and beautifully enroached and deepened, after all this, was he to be defrauded of the one thing he had so wanted – to be able to count, as it were, the last two or three solemn footsteps, as they finally approached his own door? Was it all going to happen, at the end, so suddenly? Or indeed, had it already happened? With no slow and subtle gradations of menace, in which he could luxuriate?
He gazed upward again, toward his own window which flashed in the sun: and this time almost with a feeling that it would be better if he were still in bed, in that room; for in that case this must still be the first morning, and there would be six more mornings to come – or, for that matter, seven or eight or nine – how could he be sure? or even more.
